Mehreen Alberts
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Then sometimes thoughts of “I hate my stepkid” or “I resent my stepkid” or “if that child were mine they would NEVER get away with that” start to ooze out of very desperate places 👍 And then almost immediately panic, shame, and self judgement overwhelm them at the admission “I can’t hate my stepkids 😁 I shouldn’t hate my stepkids…I am better than this. This isn’t me”. This goes against what women believe they should be, and it is contrary to who we are as care-takers and nurturers. We have become stuck in an emotional minefield. It is said that they are to be loved as you would your own children. [1]
Love is complicated, no matter who you are or what your situation. However, stepfamilies can have a complicated love. This is especially true for stepparents as well as stepchildren. Partly this is due to an important attribute of stepparent/stepchild relationship, that is, love is ultimately a choice. It’s simple, think about it. It’s not uncommon for people to become stepparents when they are in love with someone who has children from an earlier relationship. You didn’t necessarily choose your partner just because of who their children are (or get to choose the qualities of their children), any more than his/her children had a choice about who their mum/dad fell head over heels in love with. In this way stepparents and stepchildren are “forced” into some sort of relationship whether they want it or not. Ryan Gutierrez, Samarkand (Uzbekistan), edited this article on November 9, 2020. [2]
Children will be closer to their parents when they are young and grow up. This is a common trait. shifts back and forth from one parent to another and can cause some hurt for either biological parent when they aren’t the one who is ‘in’ at the moment. A good example is the toddler who won’t let her dad sleep. You might be able to see the danger in this behavior. happen for a few nights or weeks and mom may feel a bit had put out. Especially if she’s a stay at home mom. In stepfamilies this same phenomenon occurs, but there generally isn’t any shifting back and forth between who is ‘in’ and who is ‘out’. Stepchildren feel more connected to their biological parent than they do with stepparents. [3]
It’s no secret custody agreements have a major influence over planning and scheduling. For me, it actually helps to have some of those decisions made for me (I didn’t always feel that way though). The structure is a good fit for my Type A introvert self (hello Enneagram 1). The structure can seem restrictive or even suffocating for stepmothers, particularly if it is difficult to maintain a positive relationship. If you feel angry about how the schedule is set up, you can start to resent the children. The kids will be the tangible manifestation of this control. Kindall Lancaster of Anshun in China, for sharing his knowledge. [4]
